i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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