Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
