we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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