I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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