That's when you crack a 10am beer
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
