there's paper in my vomit.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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