and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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