She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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