the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize