Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
