woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize