my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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