New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
