Got a toothbrush?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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