I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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