Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
