Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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