Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
