Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
