If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
