How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
