DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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