This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
