i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
