Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The air taste purple.
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