dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
