get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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