70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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