I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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