Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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