I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
