i was born a porn star she said
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
