God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize