At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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