My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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