Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
