I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize