pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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