I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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