youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
