it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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