Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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