im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
