At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
