Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
