He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
