Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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