I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize