I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
