we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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