I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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