i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
