Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize