Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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