Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
