Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
