I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I checked into jail on foursquare
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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