Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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