My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
