she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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