i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
