Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Welp...herpes.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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