I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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