so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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