I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
