I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize