We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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