she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
