By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
